New Year, Same Bullshit; Welcome home 2022

Being queer, fat, and disabled has its perks. I don't know what they are yet, but apparently they exist.

I have always been a fat bodied human. It started young, by soothing myself from my internal pain at the altar of Little Debbie. I have always struggled to accept myself as well. For instance, there have been times when I have motivated, willed, and manically driven myself to lose nearly 100 pounds since my highest weight. However, since I started taking Olanzapine after a mixed bipolar episode (while grieving two murders in my family within three years), that body doesn't exist anymore. I'm now squeezing into size 12 stretchy jeans instead of slipping in a svelte way into size 6. I'm now ravenous. Not just for life, either. I want to eat all of the things, all of the time. I guess carb cravings are a side effect of nearly losing your mind (and definitely a side effect of antipsychotics).

This is not lamentation, don't get me wrong. I'm grateful for the flesh suit I inhabit. It allows me to experience a world that I wouldn't be able to interact with otherwise. This year I am going to embrace myself. My goal is not to lose weight, its to get strong. I just started practicing yoga, and my goal is to become one of those annoying yoga people who end every sentence in yoga.

Okay, maybe not...but my practice will be every day this year. This does not mean that I'm going to push myself to the point of a(nother) mental break down. Instead, I'm committing to holding at least one pose for 5 breaths each day. That is something that I can readily attain (especially if it's corpse pose, ha).

Another goal of mine is to pick weightlifting up again, because ultimately I feel the best when I am strong and capable. Even if I'm lifting 5 pound weights, that is a forward momentum on the flywheel and I know I can do it. I want to be strong enough to do a headstand in yoga (see how they interconnect).

I will also continue going to therapy, because homie, I am unstable. I have been in various therapies since 2017 and now my latest adventure has been couple's therapy with my spouse. We are doing better than ever, and I want to continue with that momentum until the cows come home, because it feels good to be working on these deep-seated trust issues that I have from a lifetime of abandonment (and an insecure attachment style).

I'm also committing myself to graduating this summer. I have been in community college for YEARS. Let's not talk about student loan debt, mmkay? At the end of summer I should be able to graduate with three degrees: an Associates of General Studies, an Associates of Criminal Justice, and an Associates of Communication. I'm on to my next venture anyway, which is Mortuary Sciences. I will start at the school where I will complete that degree in just over two weeks. I can tell you that I am so in love with online classes right now, because Omicron and Covid-19 can kiss my entire ass.

I also applied for Disability as well. Have you ever spent $77 on faxes at Kinko's? I have. Let me come clean here, in case anyone out there can relate: I have Fibromyalgia, PTSD, Bipolar Disorder, ADHD, Major Depression, Generalized Anxiety Disorder and PTSD...and I'm also just a ratchet cranky bitch most of the time FWIW. I am not suited for working with the general public anymore. I will have a panic attack, and its not worth my time. I take more medicine than Carter takes Liver Pills (I've never quite figured out that old adage, but it feels more than appropriate here).

So, why am I telling you this? Because if you're struggling, I want you to know that you're not alone. If you feel like a fuck-up, I want you to tell that inner voice (that is a lying asshole) that you are doing the best you can with what you have, and damnit that is wonderful.

I haven't quite gotten my footing in life, but at 30 years old I somehow expected that I would. I'm trying though, dangit. I'm doing the best I can with what I have, and that is perfectly suited for this moment, too.

Please visit me on Instagram! @yoga_chels for more semi-inspirational bullshit, memes, and 100% real talk.

I love you, you're wonderful, and peace out to all the haters in your life and mine <3


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